How many deaths will it take till he knows, that too many people have died?

I honestly don't know what to say anymore, everything has been said so many times...There's practically no real television, there's no real radio programming...everything, everywhere is focused on the tradgedy and while I do agree we need to have up to the moment coverage, I just wish there was still that little escape hole that television and radio provide us with. I can not even imagine the New York skyline without those towers, it feels like there isn't only a gaping hole in the skyline, but in me because things like this just aren't supposed to happen here. I'm not supposed to wake up on a Tuesday morning in September to find my mom upstairs crying, frantically trying to reach her sister in New York because we are so afraid she may be dead. I'm not supposed to answer the phone and have my Uncle Pat tell me my 95 year old Great Uncle Peter passed away in the morning, but since the phone lines are all tied up we have no idea how he died, only that he wasn't in Manhattan, but in a nursing home somewhere upstate. I'm not supposed to feel so afraid that I can't sleep at night, nor am I supposed to be afraid to drive myself to school in the mornings. I'm not supposed to go to school today, Wednesday, September 12 and not be able to do my Streetcar monologue because I'm crying. It isn't supposed to happen. It just isn't, and it makes me terribly sad, fearful and angry because things like this SHOULDN'T happen, anywhere. No one, in any country, on any continent should go through the horrors we put each other through. We are so cruel, all of us, from the people who masterminded these most recent, savage acts of terrorism, to those of us who sat at home thinking "damn those middle eastern people..." We are so easy to blame, and yet so unwilling to forgive, and find compassion. I've heard many people say we should go in and bomb the fuck out of "those people." That's right, let's go into a country, or a region and just let loose all our "big, bad American power" because that is just going to fucking solve everything isn't it? Let me tell you something, I may be angry as hell at who did this, but I certainly do not want to see my friends going off to fight some war. We do not need that. Our generation has been so lucky, we didn't have Korea, or Vietnam, and we certainly have no concept of what WW1 and 2 were like, and I hope we all thank God for that because with the technology we have now, no one would win, we'd simply all be dead. There has got to be some better way for us to all live on the planet, because it is ALL we have. We only get ONE shot, we don't get do overs...this isn't a dress rehersal, this is the real deal, and if we fuck it all up, we do not have another week of shows to smooth out the kinks. We have got to find a way for us to all get along in a peaceful manner, because we are all we've got here...How many roads must a man walk downBefore you call him a man?Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sailBefore she sleeps in the sand?Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls flyBefore they're forever banned?The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,The answer is blowin' in the wind.How many times must a man look upBefore he can see the sky?Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man haveBefore he can hear people cry?Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knowsThat too many people have died?The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,The answer is blowin' in the wind.How many years can a mountain existBefore it's washed to the sea?Yes, 'n' how many years can some people existBefore they're allowed to be free?Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,Pretending he just doesn't see?The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,The answer is blowin' in the wind.-"Blowin in the Wind" Bob Dylan

I'm so tired...

It makes sense that it should happen this wayThat the sky should breakAnd the earth should shakeAs if to say:Sure it all matters but in such an unimportantwayAs if to say, heyFly awaySweet bird of preyFly, fly awayNothing can stand in your waySweet birdIf you knew the wordsI know that you'd say flyFly awayIt makes sense that it should hurt in this wayThat my heart should breakAnd my hands should shakeAs if to say:Sure it don't matter except in the most importantwayAs if to say:Hey, fly awaySweet bird of preyFly, fly awayI won't stand in your waySweet birdIf you knew the wordk I know that you'd sayFly, fly awayIt makes sense that it should feel this wayThat you slowly fadeAnd yet still remainAs if to say:Everything matters in such an invisible wayAs if to say:It's okFly Away-"Fly Away" PoeI'm really tired right now...just totally drained, and I'm leaving for dance in about an hour and a half so I can get measured for my new dress and all that... I just want to lay down and take a nap right now though ...ugh sooooo tired...I want to by Music From Another Room*adds to wishlist*

sometimes i wish tomorrow would never come...

I have French and Character Development and Scene Study tomorrow. I don't want to go the the acting class, I don't want to go, I don't like it, I don't. The teacher kinda creeps me out, the other students scare me, the whole damn class scares me, and we're gonna have to do scenes from Hedda and I just don't want to. Maybe this is one of those learning experiences...The atmosphere of my beginning acting class is so much nicer than this character development&scene study class. The beg. acting class is just...acting, it isn't some stupid pretentious "be the tree" acting....acting just is. If it isn't just being, if it isn't just doing then it's not real, and it sucks...that's all there is to it, and I can not stand the people who say "I'm taking this class so I can find myself, blah blah blah be true to myself blah blah." I want to say to them "who do you think you're fooling? You're taking this class because you want to be an actor, you want to go from here to the stage or screen or the street corner, wherever the fuck you want to go..." I hate pretensious people like that, they just annoy me. Acting isn't about "what's my motivation?" it's about your reactions to things...it can't get any more simple than that. I said I didn't really like Hedda Gabbler and I didn't really want to do scenes from it and someone said to me "well if you were doing the play you'd just do it..." okay, if I don't like a play, I wouldn't have auditioned for it in the first place, being assigned a random play to do scenes from I dunno....I just hate the way going to that class makes me feel.I sit there, in the dark and my stomach is in knots because I don't feel like I belong there. I miss Gigi, I miss the IH stage, I miss the auditorium, I miss Joe, I miss the dance room upstairs and the way the curtains smell. I just don't think I'm good enough, and it wears me out.

at this point in my life....

got a new layout at fraZZledwoo hoo

add one hot day, a pinch of Frinker and Frontierland Park...

Frinker:"some guy at work thinks you're hot..."Me:"oh really?"Frinker:"Yeah, but I forget his name..."Hahaha! So, I now have decided I need to make Village Host *the* Hangout...Today we danced at the San Mateo County Fair. It was hot, and lot, and late and loud and just blllllaaaaaaah the only good part was getting to hang out with Frinker. *sighs* Anyway, on the way to Tara's party we got totally lost, and ended up in Half Moon Bay which sucked. I was so not in the mood to deal with that. We were in bumper to bumper traffic for four and a half miles before I could turn around and miss the exit again.It was fun once we finally got there though. I'll have to write more later I'm just...totally wiped out. I got sunburnt a bit.

i wanna be the knife that just cuts into my hand

some stuff i wrote last nighttidal waveI'm not allowed to have feelingsor, if I am, I'm not allowed to talk about themI'm not allowed to write them down, or dance them out, or cry them away. The minute I put them into the world, as solids they can be found and they always find them- once found the claim them as their own- say I had no right to put themout there- make me feel guilty for ever feeling them in the first place.So, for the most part I keep them inside, try not to make waves, I smile, give advice- I'm everyone's friend. I'm tired of wading in calm waters waiting so still- trying not to cause even the slightest rippleI'm ready to make a tidal wave....Please Don'tPlease don't say you're sorryit only makes it hurt moreplease don't say it means nothingit only makes me feel lessplease just walk awayplease just let me cryPlease don't tell me you love herdon't sayher eyes are like diamondswhen she smilesplease just walk awayplease just let me cryPlease dont' say foreverwhen you don't even mean nowplease don't say neverwhen you don't know howjust say what you used to sayand then, please, just walk away

been meaning to do this...

7 Things I'm Afraid Of:1. dark parking structures2. dying alone3. spiders4. car accidents5. life6. never doing anything important7. losing my chances with people7 Things That Make Me Laugh:1. Malcolm in the Middle2. Pinky & The Brain3. Monty Python4. my friends (Raca,Stephanie, Kerny, Ktae, Clarity, Aitzi, Geor, Ashley, Meghan, Monica, Leslie, can't think now)5. Home Improvment6. The Princess Bride7. Detroit Rock City7 Things That Make Me Cry:1. Stephen2. being lonely3. cutting myself4. walking into things (well not always)5. certain songs6. losing people i love7. when i laugh really hard7 Things I Lvoe:1. my true friends2. Hanson3. dance4. writing5. hugs6. my family7. music7 Things I Don't Understand:1. certain people2. some of my fears3. math4. "atlas shrugged"5. boys6. britney spears7. age7 Things On My Desk:1. money2. nail polish and nail polish remover3. checkbook4. magazine cut outs and pictures to put on my wall5. my cd holder6. a very old can of Vimto i got on our first trip to europe7. my sunglasses7 Things To Do Before I Die:1. tell him how i feel about him2. go to australia3. write a novel4. make a movie5. record an album6. meet hanson7. tell ashley7 Facts About Me:1. i like my car2. my hair isn't naturally red *shhh*3. i'm listening to Counting Crows right now4. i want to go back to santa clarita for my birthday, even if i know i can't5. my eyes get really green if i'm wearing a dark shirt when i cry.6. i feel responsible for things that aren't my fault7. i don't like being mean to people. even people i don't like.7 Things I Am Doing Right Now:1. listening to "Catapult"2. feeling lonely, and sad, and just blah3. wishing i had some candy4. thinking about writing more of Drag even though i feel like it's becoming a lost cause5. thinking i should have gone to sleep hours ago6. wishing i could just call and talk to him tomrrow without all the weirdness that's there.7. thinking i wish kerny were online

i love counting crows

i wanna be the light that burns out your eyes'cause i know there's little things about methat would sing in the silence of so much rejectionin every connection i makei can't find nobody homei wanna be the last thing you hear when you're falling asleep...-"catapult"