you took my imagination, and stomped it in the ground...

I've been trying to figure out how to piece together parts of Drag...I'm really happy with what I have written which is intersting, I usually dont' like anything I write...I just feel like I need to write this, because even though parts of it are exagerations, it's her. She's going to be here and I need to get it out, I need to do whatever it is that's coming out of me because it just might kill me if I don't. I'm not sure how to even explain what she is in relation to me, because there are so many times where everything has been flipped around...I just know, she never really was a friend, even if she and,or I thought so. Friends don't do or say the things she's said and done to me. They just don't...people don't treat other people the way she treated me. I feel slightly hypocritical talking about it because a lot of things she's said to me, or I've said to her have been about how we should sort of forget things that happened in high school... but to me, the whole Richard thing, the whole stupid asshole boy thing, and her are totally different, even though they're tightly intertwined. I see her as this destructive, manipulative force in my life, one that just keeps following me, and sucking everything away like a parasite. With her, things are planned, she doesn't just do things because, she does them because she knows they'll hurt. ...but I digressI'm listening to "Both Hands." I haven't listened to this in a while, and suddenly I wanted to hear it, so I put it on. I need to learn how to play my damn guitar, or find someone who can who wants to write songs with me lol. I have lyrics, I just don't have any music to go with those lyrics, and it's driving me nuts.Erich had suggested asking Brendan at one point, but I'd feel really awkward calling his house, I really don't know that his mom ever liked me, and calling long distance is not good. Besides, anytime I've sort of talked to him online he's been really distant, and I don't know if it's just me, or what, but... things just aren't the same as they were two or three years ago...if we were both still in high school, doing the plays again I could probably ask him and during down times we could have worked or something...I just don't know anymore. Anyway, we may be having company tomorrow, which I'm not so excited about...I want to go do something tomorrow, or Sunday but having company will make that impossible. I'll be expected to stay and entertain with my parents. Not that I have anything planned right now anyway, but... I'm just so bored sitting at home. I'll have to talk to Tara and Nicole and Amy and them on Monday or something. Tara will be home Monday I think is what she said, maybe Monday depending on when she gets in we can go to Village Host or something. Maybe make a big old girls night out sleepover or something fun like that. I need to get Tara and Melissa cards or something for their birthdays... I still need to figure out whatever it is I'm doing for my birthday, which just seems at some points really far away, and then at others exceedingly close... ah time flies...